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I've No Talent For HappinessI've no talent for happiness
My smiles are frail at best
And though I try to remember
A time when I felt truly blessed
And no matter how I try
There are always times
When I can't help but cry,
Though even as they fall
I try to cradle the tears
To see if I can find
Happiness beneath the fears
In these delicate crystals
Of hopeless memories...
But I've no talent for happiness
My heart never wholly mends
And though I dove so far
Dove until I reached the end
Of that vat of tears and miseries
I found only
More tears left to cry...
I've no talent for happiness
My soul cries endless seas
In which I try to drown
Myself and my memories,
But I think I once had it
The bliss you call happiness
And every now and then
I feel it
Rise to greet you
And attempt to shine
From beneath my tears
So that you may know the truth
Of how you make me feel.
So I've no talent for happiness
My memories sometimes choke me
My hearts never wholly mends
I Asked Of ItI did not ask for it
It came to me in a swelling torrent
of effervescent vibrancy
blinding all which entered
to its hidden horrors.
However, that's a truth
I would come to learn
for I was not born wise
and was gifted with the curse
In my purity I a
Some Words Hold HeartsThere are some words
Many words ,in fact,
That aren't meant to be read
By an audience.
That aren't meant to be condemned
For their validity and originality.
There are some words
Who's only point is to exist.
To give existence
To show someone their pain is real
That its important.
Their anger is real
That its just.
Their love is real
That's its true.
Their hearts are real
That they 're whole...
Even if no one else sees them that way
Even if no else knows them that way
Even if no one understands
Or reads those words.
Those words hold our hearts
And that's all their meant to do.
Wilted LullabiesOh flower why hello...
I didn't see you there
In the world so far below
I could barely even hear
Your screams of pain
Such wilted lullabies
Oh flower so far below me
Why do you cry?
Oh flower below
Hush your little leaves
How hard it hurts me so
To hear your petals scream
Tell me what to do
That's all I need to know
Please flower let me take you
From the world below.
Oh flower in my world
Are you really there?
Your wilted lullabies
Have turned into despair
Your leaves are now holed
You fall with the winds blow
Flower where can I take you?
There's nowhere left for you to go.
Oh flower leaving my world
Where can you go?
The world has forgotten you
Left you so far below.
And while I couldn't save you
And while I know you must go
Flower I sing your wilted lullabies
So the entire world will know
The pain of a single flower
Left in the world below.
You Gave Me A StarLast night you gave me a star
A resplendent little light
You made it a surprise
Hiding it behind your thumb all night
So I wouldn't notice
The new twinkle
In our night's sky
"Without further ado"
You whispered to me
As you showed me
Our own little island
In a sea of darkness and wonder.
"Make a wish"
you smiled bashfully
"Its your star after all"
And I wished
I wished a million times
On that tiny light
That one day
I might be able to give you
All the stars in our sky.
Could I Send You The StarsCan I send you the stars?
A million twinkling lettters
Waiting above your head each night to be read
In gentle melody like midnight lullabies
For the girl I dearly wish could hear them.
Can I borrow your moon?
I know without it your nights may feel empty
But I envy its lovely radiance shining
Upon those two eyes
I wish I could see wish I could gaze into
So instead could I borrow your Moon?
And gaze into it hoping I'll find the loveliness
Of your eyes there instead.
Could I steal your Sun?
And pocket it's millions
And millions of memories
Of lightly caressing you with its rays
Knowing the feel of every beautifully delicate
Part of you for every day of every year..
Could I lease your dreams?
And reside there with you
Underneath our stars' gentle lullabies
And beneath the Moon's loving gaze
Away from the Sun's prying rays
Since you're all I really need.
So could I send you the stars
And hope they'll send my love too?
There Is No Song For MeI once knew a man
no wings to speak of
A man who lost his voice
poor fool thought he could sing
While inhabiting a world
what a sad little world
So filled with noise
it was enough to deafen
The man couldn't help but envy.
Guess you forgot how I sound
So this man out of fear
I can still see his pain
Made his own world
I think I'm to blame
With nothing but silence to hear.
I'm still not ashamed.
I pierced the bubble
In his world
he swatted me away
Sound still found him
still I sang, and sang
How cruel it was
It's sad how fast a man...
how forced he was to fester
...can give up on himself.
In the very sounds he'd lost
"Why have you come to me?"
we're called mockingbirds for a reason
He wrote with his tears
and I laughed as he cried, and I laughed as he cried
All I WantI want someone to talk to
it may not sound like much
but its all I want of you
I want to never be alone
to never be forced to hear
the silent creaks of my home
I want someone to share with me
to give me the pieces of their day
through tiny conversations, and hearty stories
till there's nothing left to say
I want someone to stay with me
on those many cold nights
when the only thing that can keep me warm
are their sweet whispered delights
I want someone
it hardly matters who
to stick with me
and stay with me through
the transgressions of my days
the weaknesses of my soul
and share the same with me
make me feel whole
I want to someone to talk to
someone's whose hand I can clutch
All I want is a true friend
Surely that isn't too much
Can We Just PretendHey...
Can we just pretend ?
Like we did when we were kids?
I can pretend to be strong
And use these twigs
To build a mansion for you
So large and beautiful
That you'll have everything you need.
I can pretend to be smart
And I'll teach you new things every day
Gently widening you eyes
To the world around you.
I can pretend to be a musician
Your own private concerto
Sing lullabies to you each night
With the few notes I know.
I can pretend to be funny
And have a witty criticism
For all the things you dislike
And sweetly teasing you
Till you gift me with your smile.
I can pretend be wise
Have an answer for all your problem
And advice that never fails.
I can pretend to be a cook
And delicately create
Mudpies for you to eat
As though they were gourmet meals.
I can pretend to be someone I'm not
Someone who's beautiful or amazing or kind
Someone who won't let you down
Someone who won't break your heart
Someone who can give you everything
You could ever want
Take It All Away.There’s a tear between each smile and a fracture on my heart
And a thousand feelings breaking me and tearing me apart
Knowing when it’s over I may lose my sanity
Embrace the mess I am and the storm inside of me
In the dark I have a chance to fight away my problems
To ignore them all away instead of trying to solve them
All I saw when I looked back was a mass of insecurity
Laying waste to who I am and ripping at the seam
Lowering my already non-existent self-esteem
And I couldn’t help admitting I’m a self-made failure
Walking a broken path as a second-hand savior
And it all adds up to nothing; me in a nutshell
Yanking on the chain that tethers me to hell…
AwayYou used to be afraid to lose me,
so why am I the one that is in pain from your absence?
You used to look at me like I was the only girl you saw,
now I'm just another lost in the crowd.
You used to embrace me like you never wanted to let go,
now you don't come near enough to touch me.
You used to say you loved me,
but I guess that went away.
Suicidal Tendenciescourage doesn't come
from the fibers you're
born with. You aren't
brave when you decide
when you wake
up in the bed
smeared with your
own self destruction
and you act as though
you aren't crumbling
into the carpet.
or when you hold
a piece of shrapnel
to your veins and
want to sever every last
one, but you throw it
out the window.
or when you stand
on the sunset
with clouds straddling
your mind and your
whole existence ready
to hurl itself over the
railing, but you limp
home and through the screen
door and pretend to walk
on air again.
That is bravery.
My Mind Is A Graveyard And My Body Is A Scar.There’s constantly something wrong with me
I can’t look in the mirror for fear I’ll see
Another part of me that I can’t let be
I want to cut it out of my soul
And just live with the gaping hole
Take control and choose to lose
The part of my heart where the insides bruised
I didn’t fall; I was caught by the lonely, crushing darkness
Of this I’m sure; it was there more than you ever were
I don’t know why the love I need
Is flowing in the blood I bleed
Yes, I’m confused and, yes, I’m a mess
Frustrations magnified by stress
I don’t know why I pushed so far
New cuts cover where the old ones are
My scars are scarred, my heart’s in shards
I’m breaking down like a house of cards
I fell already blind into decimating blackness
And used what I could find of my heart as target practice
Social AnxietyIt’s hard to explain, but I’ll give it a try
It’s being afraid of people
Please don’t ask, I don’t know why
I am the quiet one,
The lonely shy girl who sits by herself
A girl without many friends
Cause I can’t seem to speak to anyone else
My throat gets tight
And my heart starts to pound
I try to talk
But I can’t make a sound
I hate this horrible self conscious fear
That’s always around
I always feel lonely
When I sit by myself
Tucked away from the world
Like a book on a shelf
There’s nothing I hate more
Than when people ask me “why are you so quiet”
Because they don’t see
This hurting pain inside me
I have this fear that never goes away
Muting my voice each and every day
It’s constantly controlling me
Locking me inside like a prison warder
It’s my Social Anxiety Disorder
Social AnxietyA curse is what you are endowed...
Trembling, you stand in front of the crowd
that rudely encourages you to speak loud.
Bravely, your head raises and makes eye contact.
To your sweat glands, this makes an impact,
and you're anxious for your audience to react.
As blackness clouds the edges of your vision,
feeling as if you're about to experience a head-on collision,
dizzily, you bear the worst of each mental incision.
You begin to speak faster, but too soft to hear.
You wish somebody would step in and end this fear.
Each second under their gaze feels like a year.
Suddenly, you forget how to pronouce every word.
Your quiet speech becomes heavily slurred,
and the words on your note card appear to be blurred.
Your heart thumps so hard it shakes your body.
You envision your panic starting to embody,
but this is for the amusement of everybody.
When your speech is over, you sit down.
As you beat yourself up like a king with a broken crown,
you wish, maybe someday, you can come around.
AlcoholicYour tux is the color
of a coal miner’s face
after a long, hard day of work:
something you’ve never
had to experience
Yet you talk as though
you’re just as worn out;
your trivial chit-chat
is turning syrupy with every sip,
although your sentences
aren’t getting any sweeter
And you grab another glass
of the effervescent liquid,
hoping the sea of black
will blend together,
and it will be dark enough
for you to fall asleep
And as you walk tipsily to the bathroom,
the overpaid opera singer
belts her last high note- a bit too high;
your crystal glass shatters
into a thousand pieces
And with it, you shatter too.
Can't Find JoyI stole the smiles from both of my parent’s faces
The very same one I was responsible for
On the day I was delivered into their arms
In a cloth, from the beak of a black feathered stork
From the very first day with my very first breath
Though I was not able to speak a single word
It was evident as the nurses bowed their heads
That this boy with the dilated pupils was cursed
Everything I’ve ever grown to love and desire
In one way or another I have now destroyed
Yet still I have the temerity to question
Why it is that I can never seem to find joy
I stole the smiles from both of my parent’s faces
I would do anything at all to give them back
But some wicked actions can never be undone
And some statements I have made I cannot retract
Regardless of the depths that I sank or swam to
Whether I was responsible for what was wrong
My lugubrious mood could always be soothed
With memories of the black feathered stork’s bird song
Every page my trembling hand has ever turned
But Nobody KnowsI can't tell my
Tears from the rain
The hurt from the pain
My life from this game
It's all just the same
And it hurts me so badly
That you're so mad at me
I can't stop me from breaking
My hands are still shaking
Knees are so weak
I can't stay on my feet
So I fall to the ground
And I hope to be found
It's this feeling inside me
That I've never missed
It corrodes and divides me
Puts scars on my wrist
It controls and divides me
Fuels the fire inside me
Destroys all I make
Creates all my hate
I'm not that one in a million
The diamond in the rough
I'm just one more person
Who's finally had enough
Of hiding from hurt
And dealing with pain
But nobody knows
Cause I cry in the rain
Genuinely SmilingI test it out in the mirror
The face I want them to see...
The gentle smile
Blesses me falsely
Even to my tear filled eyes,
But I won't let it fall
I try to make it shine more broadly
To be sure they know,
When they finally see me
Gaze into my unseeing eyes
And see the peaceful wonder
Left behind in my smile,
That I'm in someplace
Far better than here
Free of pain.
Someplace that I can genuinely
I want them to see.
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Endorell-Taelos is very well known within the community for her selfless giving and gracious community spirit. Since joining DeviantART over seven years ago, Alicia has continued to make a positive impact on many deviants. Her helpful and thoughtful approach was one of her finest attributes when serving as a Community Volunteer, and this has continued throughout the many contests which Alicia provides on a regular basis. As we approach our Birthday celebrations, we can't... Read More