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Submitted on
August 12, 2013
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Sta.sh Writer
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I feel your heart
Beating softly with mine
A pure harmony
Burrowing deep inside

Crescendos and allegros
intertwining mirrors of our
actions, your baritone echoing my alto,
our hearts the metronome to the rhythms
of our voices lifted raised in the wordless
music of our song.

Though I don’t know the words
I merely sing the melody
letting the beating of our
hearts slowly lead me 
to the words waiting inside

The cavernous organ where words
coalesce and convalesce, unearthing
phrases yet unspoken and thoughts
undisclosed…our song—my song and
your song, two favorites written and
recorded as night stretches unending

And I listen as
our song weaves together
a lazy, loving ballad
telling tales of both
now and forever

So let’s listen to the stories
we hear in our heartbeats
as our pulses race and soar,
aching to synchronize beneath
the moon’s glow as

We let the world fall away,
disappear into the flowing of
our music, the lovely lyrics
we both create with a speechless
intensity as the climax approaches,
clamoring deep inside of us, hearts
screaming—emotional hemorrhaging
coinciding with the song
we never want to end…
Alright so this lovely poem was made by me and my girlfriend :iconlightoverpowers58: .ALSO IF YOU FAVORITE HEAR PLZZZ FAVORITE HERE: The Music We MakeI feel your heart
Beating softly with mine
A pure harmony
Burrowing deep inside

Crescendos and allegros—
intertwining mirrors of our
actions, your baritone echoing my alto,
our hearts the metronome to the rhythms
of our voices lifted raised in the wordless
music of our song.

Though I don’t know the words
I merely sing the melody
letting the beating of our
hearts slowly lead me
to the words waiting inside

The cavernous organ where words
coalesce and convalesce, unearthing
phrases yet unspoken and thoughts
undisclosed…our song—my song and
your song, two favorites written and
recorded as night stretches unending

And

We combined our two styles , mine choppy and emotional and hers lovely and descriptive to make this poem (based on that you should be able to tell who's who) . Sorry about the long wait guys but a number of problems and the development of this poem prevented me from developing a different poem to submit. People keep telling me the poem reminds them of sex... and i'm okay with that :D.
ALSO TWO IMPORTANT THINGS:
A: I am now open to co-op poems. Just note me if you wanna do one and I'll check out your work and decide (makes my job easier)
B: ALSO I'm still open to requests. I'm working on two right now and i'd love to have more.
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:iconallison731:
allison731 Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats, you got :iconwuvplz:  HEART Badge for your work in WhisperMeWish group.
You can find your art in WMW Badge Winners folder and read more about Star! Heart Badge Winners in our journal. Thumbs Up
Your work has a chance to enter in our Gold Star Championship finale too where you can get nice prizes from us and gather more fame for yourself. ;) (Wink) Good luck. :iconcool-smileplz:
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:iconmadhat11d6:
MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2014   Writer
This is beautiful. Have you read it out loud like a slam poem? Because I just did. And I love it. 

At the ends of lines and stanzas, I'm not sure if you need it. Those pauses are implied, naturally stops created by the visual space. They certainly aren't hindering anything, but it's one of those little details that could end up changing something. So take a look at that. There are places where you probably should use punctuation that you don't. This causes some awkward things to happen in the second stanza that become glaring when read aloud. "of our voices lifted raised in the wordless" should be something like "of our voices lifted, raised in the wordless". 

The rest of your problems are, mostly, wording. "
Though I don’t know the words/I merely sing the melody". 'merely' would only work there if you did not begin the stanza with 'though'. I would recommend you could either 'though' or 'merely', because they're just awkward together (I say cut 'though' - but that's just me). "to the words waiting inside" also feels a bit unfinished. If that's the right word. It seems like 'waiting' is insufficient. I would look for something more like 'the words we hold inside'. Something to that effect. I don't think the words are waiting so much as they are there, expressed in the melody. They don't need to be said. And, in this case, it seems some of these feelings can't be properly expressed with words. So to say that they are waiting just seems odd. The fourth stanza kicks ass. "the moon’s glow as" I would recommend you cut 'as' and let the last stanza stand completely on it's own, no strings attached. This is the climax of your piece, the vocal crescendo - let it stand on it's own to highlight how strong it is.

The whole piece is very strong, and very beautiful. I quite like it. Well done. :clap:

[Critique on behalf of PowerfulWriting]  
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:iconkagehahen:
Kagehahen Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013
The only problem I have with this is the third to last line.  Everything else creates some beautiful imagery - but the word 'hemorrhaging' doesn't quite jive.  Try something alone the lines of  an emotional partita in perfect pitch'.  They're still musical terms and give the poem consistency to the very end.  Otherwise, its very lovely.
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:iconmegzluvsyouall:
MegzLuvsYouAll Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013
What a lovely poem!!!
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Student Writer
Lovely~
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:iconmiellat:
Miellat Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Student Writer
This is radiance, really, and so sweet. Music is a powerful thing. :icontsumugiplz:
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:iconbelovedwriter:
BelovedWriter Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
Well done. The words flow and create a beautiful picture.
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:iconanila73:
anila73 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful :D
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:iconzeidah8254:
Zeidah8254 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
Yay! finally someone used real musical terms in poetry and it made sense! I applaud both of you.
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:iconemoravergirl:
EmoRaverGirl Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Awwww :iconcocoheartplz:
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