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Submitted on
September 18, 2013
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What do you say?
That it was a mistake?
A one-time occurrence,
One in a million chance?
That you're sorry
Like an apology
Is enough to subside their sorrow
Enough to make them forget
That it was your fault?
That someone else
Should be standing at their door.
Do you say
It should have been you
That you wish
You had gone in their place?
But so do they
They wish it more
Than anything in the world.
What do you say
When you look at their disbelief
Watching as the words spilling
From your tongue wash away their smiles?
what do you say
When you see their love
Crash and crumble into grief
Along with their hearts?
What do you say
When you see the anger in their eyes
The pure hatred in them
When they realize that their love is gone
And that you took them away?
What do you say
To the tears
A steady flood of pain
Washing down their face?
What do you say
When they finally ask
"How could this have happened?
Why did you let this happen?"
What do you say?
What can you say?
Yepppppp kinda slow in my weekly submit this week. I didn't have any inspiration till a couple hours ago sighhhh when you vow never to do a topic twice you begin to run out of emotional topics T.T Hope everyone enjoys :D
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:icontheforgottenemogirl:
TheForgottenEmoGirl Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014
Beautiful... I can very much relate.. *faves*
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:iconms-yuki-uchiha:
Ms-Yuki-Uchiha Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Very good.
Reply
:iconthephoenixhound:
thePhoenixHound Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013   Writer
Hi, this is the cofounder of #PowerfulWriting here to do a critique, as you have submitted to our gallery! :wave:

This is a powerful piece. It is clear that emotional impact is the main point of it, and there is certainly a very strong emotional impact.
For me, the main thing that conveys this is the repetition. The repeated use of the words "What do you say" helps to add a kind of weight, making the poem feel heavy and sad as the reader gets through it. 
The change to "what can you say" at the end makes this even more powerful, emphasizing the importance of the word can and the lack of words or expressions in a situation like the one outlined in this piece.
One thing that could help make the piece more impactful is the added use of imagery. Poetry that is heavy in imagery has a tendency to leave the reader feeling very emotionally vulnerable, leaving you with the opportunity to make them feel what you want them to feel. I'm sure you've heard the cliche "show, don't tell." I feel that although your poem is beautiful and highly emotional, there is a lot of telling. 
Overall, it is a very strong piece, but with some added work it could be even more magnificent.
Happy writing,
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:icondontcryjennifer:
DontCryJennifer Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

I really like the idea behind this, and that you've put something so close to me into words, so thanks :)

 

However, maybe you could include some stanzas? They help break the poem up and make it make more sense. I'm not being mean, just trying to help!

 

 

 

 

 

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:iconinsanitystoriz:
Insanitystoriz Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013
Wow! Its really strong! Nice work!
Reply
:iconrae8892:
RAE8892 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Just gorgeous, there are no other words.
Reply
:iconlaniealagarde:
laniealagarde Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013   Traditional Artist
So awesome 
Reply
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