What do you say? That it was a mistake? A one-time occurrence, One in a million chance? That you're sorry Like an apology Is enough to subside their sorrow Enough to make them forget That it was your fault? That someone else Should be standing at their door. Do you say It should have been you That you wish You had gone in their place? But so do they They wish it more Than anything in the world. What do you say When you look at their disbelief Watching as the words spilling From your tongue wash away their smiles? what do you say When you see their love Crash and crumble into grief Along with their hearts? What do you say When you see the anger in their eyes The pure hatred in them When they realize that their love is gone And that you took them away? What do you say To the tears A steady flood of pain Washing down their face? What do you say When they finally ask "How could this have happened? Why did you let this happen?" What do you say? What can you say?
Yepppppp kinda slow in my weekly submit this week. I didn't have any inspiration till a couple hours ago sighhhh when you vow never to do a topic twice you begin to run out of emotional topics T.T Hope everyone enjoys
Hi, this is the cofounder of #PowerfulWriting here to do a critique, as you have submitted to our gallery!
This is a powerful piece. It is clear that emotional impact is the main point of it, and there is certainly a very strong emotional impact.
For me, the main thing that conveys this is the repetition. The repeated use of the words "What do you say" helps to add a kind of weight, making the poem feel heavy and sad as the reader gets through it.
The change to "what can you say" at the end makes this even more powerful, emphasizing the importance of the word can and the lack of words or expressions in a situation like the one outlined in this piece.
One thing that could help make the piece more impactful is the added use of imagery. Poetry that is heavy in imagery has a tendency to leave the reader feeling very emotionally vulnerable, leaving you with the opportunity to make them feel what you want them to feel. I'm sure you've heard the cliche "show, don't tell." I feel that although your poem is beautiful and highly emotional, there is a lot of telling.
Overall, it is a very strong piece, but with some added work it could be even more magnificent.