Directly into the flame?
Perhaps its captivated
By the beauty to be found
In such pure recreation
It flies so surely
Into its own death
Because it believes
The flames of rebirth
Will allow it a second chance
And perhaps that this time...
It will appear a butterfly.
Perhaps this is the only thing
It can force itself to believe
While it burns.
First, I will say that I like the concept of this poem. I really like how you play with reincarnation, but the poem seems to end on a mocking tone almost. It's almost like you're laughing at the moth for even thinking it could be reborn. It is simple a made-up belief so it can survive the fire. I really like how the poem progresses and I think you have a create concept here. My favorite lines are: "Perhaps this is the only thing/It can force itself to believe/While it burns."
However, I have to agree with a previous comment. I think the breaks are a little choppy and interrupts the flow of the poem. It might flow better if you were able to combine some lines put the emphasis on some of the more important words. Another thing that kind of tripped me up was the lack of punctuation. This might be me, but I read the entire poem without any mental pauses and it was kind of dizzying. It somehow rushes the piece and i think there should be some moments in this poem where the reader can breath an reflect on some of the great lines you've written.
Of course, those are just suggestions. Do with them what you will. I really like the poem and I think you've got some deep ideas here. Good job! ^_^
I really do love this poem, as its vision is fantastic and amazing. It offers so much to see and feel about the moth flying and changing both at once. The thoughts on it are both genuine and unique, which expresses its originality and impact. This poem is expressive and story-like in its perspectives. What I also appreciated was the questioning nature that you provided in the poem. However, there are a couple of things that need to be worked on.
I am going to focus on technique. The poem over-all is good as a nonce stanza, but that is not my focus on the reason for the low points. I see that you have added some punctuation in some areas, but there are other areas that could do with some more added. Such as, a period would do at the end of 'recreation' for example. There is a definite balance between too little or too much punctuation, just so you know.
In Summation, this is a very well done poem and I hope you continue to write like you do!
In the third line you've used 'its' when you should use 'it's' (i.e. 'it is').
Some of your line-breaks bother me a little - you've used so many short lines that the poem seems quite stilted and breathy, like a child who isn't sure when to take in more air. Is there a reason you've used such short lines all the way through, for example to keep the shape quite regular? I feel if you connected some of them, or chose different break points (for example to make key words stand out more) it would read more fluidly and cohesively.
Some positives which I liked about the poem: the idea - the metaphor and the development thereof - the imagery, the last 3 lines in particular.
Here's an example of how your poem might look with some of these suggested edits; naturally you're free to hate it and disregard everything I've said, but you did ask for comments regarding what you're 'doing wrong', so these are my thoughts :
Why does a moth fly
directly into the flame?
Perhaps it's captivated by the beauty
found in such pure recreation;
Or perhaps it flies so surely into
its own death because it believes
the flames of rebirth will allow it
a second chance at metamorphosis,
and that perhaps this time...
It will appear as a butterfly.
Perhaps this is the only thing
it can force itself to believe
while it burns.
And it was simply because I am not very known on dA, so logically I don't get a lot of favs or even views for that matter, but I am grateful for every person that does actually look at my stuff, and the greatest thing for me is if they comment. because that is what really tells me what they think, it shows me I touched people with what I wrote. I can't even dream of favs in the double digits, but that's okay, as long as I know there's anyone at all who likes what I am doing.
Sorry for this huge monologue! I just wanted to tell you not to measure yourself on your success or your achievements. I am sure there are enough people here who would agree if I tell you here and now: you are a great writer and you should never doubt your talent!
Okay, I'm done. Sorry again. Loved the poem.
Singed by love's unfriendly flame, he swore to never speak her name...
To not be on the front for "two whole months" uhhhh wow, yeah. Since it's obviously no simple feat to earn and feed on such public displays, how do you ever survive? You're either confident or you're not, I seriously doubt dA's random publicities have such a stranglehold on your inspirations. Just sayin.
Maybe the overachieving attitude is what you're doing wrong? Just write it from the heart, then let it land wherever it may.
Contrast with the "social butterfly", who effortlessly dances around it while being unharmed. If you were thinking about that already with your poem, I guess you'd likely understand. The sad truth is that a metamorphosis is the most unlikely transformation; the loss of wings or the ability to fly is the most likely, if not utter destruction.
But your description puzzled me... Why do you need to be on front cover to gain confidence ? Perhaps answer to that question is more important than the one in your poem.
Anyway, you're talented, that's obvious
I really like your poem, hard to tell why the moth flies into the flame. I mostly see them flying around like they are crazy and hyperactive.
I hate moths a lot (and any other furry bug, ew), so I can only hope that it would come back as a butterfly.
The last three lines are my favorite part.