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You Can't Save Me by CrumbledWings You Can't Save Me by CrumbledWings

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I was bored and saw i hadn't submitted in to weeks, so i submitted the newest of my recent works. If you've read my work before and this seems familiar, it should because this is a remake of the very first poem i submitted to the site "Emptiness". Hope everyone enjoys :D (p.s. awesome cover picture done by ~YasminaMoya )
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forgottensunset Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Photographer
This is my favorite poem. From you, or anyone. Absolutely stunning
angrboda555 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
I like this. it really seems like i don't know the mind of the person. he hurts this girl that he likes for reasons he probably barely understands himself just to show her how he really is and get her to go to someone else... it's sad and mean and something people do even if they don't really know they're doing it. oh and I like how you have this slight flip in his thinking makes it feel really real. :)
Mysticstar875 Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Student Writer
I'm really quite confused why people decide to do this. It just doesn't seem very fair to me. You seem to have good intentions so why come across it in such a wrong way? Just because a girl comes crawling to you doesn't mea you should accept it because of pity. You talk about how you you're trying to save the girl you actually do love but you're not doing it the right way.

I see it's a rendition of a previously written poem, so I hope your mindset and way of looking at love and loss differently. This hits me right in the heart and makes me hate you ever so slightly... Mostly it's confusion, but a little frustration. I mean--why would someone do that? It just sounds corrupt and not a very ideal or mature way to handle the situation. Honestly, it seems more like an immature 12-year-old trying to make everything work out for him.

Though this poem may not be true, it sure has ruffled a few feathers! It really rubbed me the wrong way. I really hope that's really not how you think because that's self-destructive and borderline sociopathic. Just--just no, man. Don't say things like that. Also, don't think I'm flaming you, it's just a very touchy situation...

As for the poem, I can't say it's well written or not. It's very back-and-forth and confusing to the reader. I don't say many people can relate to this. Not only that, but you seem to contradict yourself a little...maybe you're feeling ambivalent, though not portrayed well at all; you don't give two feelings without a "but" in between it. Actually, it's hard to find your emotion in it at all.

That ambivalence brings us to mood, or rather lack of. Your mood is hard to decifer, so it's difficult to connect with what you're saying. You don't seem to be very sorry about it, but more matter-of-fact. You're just stating fact after fact and not caring for the subject matter though you claim to. Again, sociopathic XD. It's just...a very difficult poem to unfold and not in a good "oh how mysterious," etc etc.

Even so, you are really good at bringing about an interesting, contraversial subject. Drawing the reader's emotions you're good at, which is really interesting since you're not good at displaying your own. I'd say that's the only thing you need to work on...your mood, tone, and word-choice. They all kinda go hand-in-hand, though, so no worries!

Best of luck. ^^
CrumbledWings Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
Wowwww this is one the longest and indepth review i have seen on one of my pieces. I can completely understand your confusion. I decided to do a change of pace and try an extend my literary abilities by going with an unthinkable point of view that very few people could resonate with. I've down this before and they've usually been made pretty well, but this i had a lot of trouble because i myself couldn't completely understand the position of the person. At the beginning i felt he should be repent but the further i wrote the less it seemed he would be sorry and would instead delude himself into believing he was protecting her. and the feeling conflicted within my writing. Oh and i attempted to recreate a similar word choice as that of the one i used in my early writing since this was a recreation. I'm happy for the review and i'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
Mysticstar875 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Student Writer
Okay...well work on keeping the same mood throughout the piece. And I didn't ejoy it, actually it rather bothered me ;-; But look on the bright side, you got an emotional reaction from the audience. Brava.
innocent-evil Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, been there. Great work
PedroHenrique-2 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I..; can't see it
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Submitted on
January 9, 2013
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